Lightning Platoon 106 ch. 1 part 1

Hi there, Anzius!

Here as requested.

Spoiler

Sorry for the quite delay of this. I haven't been able to log in the last few days due to the fact that my computer broke down and school stuffs. Hope this is worth the wait.

Comments and Corrections in #FF0080 ">red-pink!

Lord Anzius wrote:I would love some advise here because I'm worried I might have made this chapter a bit of an info dump, so advise on that would be lovely. Thank you all in advance. #FF0080 ">Welcome in advance.

2.20.2049
Somalia. Desert. Somewhere between towns of Beledweyne and Baidoa. #FF0080 ">I suggest that you need to be specific when it comes to locations and stuffs. "somewhere' weakens your plot and your writing skills.

The vehicle rattled on the desert floor. The ground was hard and almost nothing grew. #FF0080 ">(As what Jet has said, you need to 'show don't tell', describe how the vehicle rattled against the desert floor or even the temperature during that day; was it warm or something?)
The men #FF0080 ">(I think the word 'men' sounds too general here, so be specific. Are they soldiers, army or what?) sitting in the back of the armoured truck were all alert and ready, but nervousness was bright on all of their faces, the fear of death, the feeling that the one dying today could be them. #FF0080 ">(How about showing us their faces? Were their hands shaking? Eyes wandering all around the truck? Body sweating?)

Second Lieutenant Harri Petso was smoking his cigar.#FF0080 "> (I think you can delete the word 'cigar'. It's quite understandable already when you say that Harri is smoking. Of course, when you say smoking, cigar would automatically pop into our minds.) Cigar smoke filled the dark air #FF0080 ">('dark air' seems to be a little awkward here and lost. How can you describe a dark air? I think it wouldn't be dark just because of the cigar, right?) in the vehicle. Like a cloud of smog#FF0080 ">, it floated above them. His hair was charcoal black and his eyes a light brown.#FF0080 ">(A bit infodump) He was a heavily built man in his thirties.
Harri was the only man there who didn’t look visibly scared, and he would let his eyes gaze through #FF0080 ">('around' perhaps?)the team he was leading.
Hard boiled each and every one of them, he though#FF0080 ">t. These were the people he could trust with his life.
Harri saw himself as a masculine, macho man, and thought that that what a man should be like. #FF0080 ">(I don't know why you have to describe his physical features. If so, you should connect it well.)
In Harri’s world#FF0000 ">; men didn’t smoke cigarettes#FF0080 ">, men didn’t hit women men didn’t cry and a man would never back out from a firm decision.
The last year had been harsh on him, but he had risen from the ranks and made it to the officer ranks, and he was proud as hell. #FF0080 ">(I don't quite like how you repeat the word 'ranks' twice. Remember, repetitions are not fun to read.)

Harri, with his #FF0080 ">enormous hand, slapped one of the men #FF0080 ">('soldiers' would sound good here), who was quietly sitting on his left, to the back with a loud thud.
“Come on now#FF0080 ">, Lauri! Why the worried face?” he barked a laugh.
Lauri was a lightly built, but visibly muscular man, with blonde hair, propably dyed that way, and deep green eyes.
Lauri smiled nervously, “I’m always a bit nervous before a bloodbath you know. I’m surprised you don’t look scared yourself.”
Harri laughed at Lauri’s answer, #FF0080 ">(unnecessary comma) and addressed the whole team#FF0080 ">, “When we get back home#FF0000 ">, I’ll buy you all beers. How’s that sound?”

#FF0080 ">They all smiled, but they were all too edgy to answer.
One of them, a brown haired young man called Bang, raised a question.
“Harri so how is this going to go down?”
“Oh you know. The uz’, we go in, kill all of the fuckers and we go out. Hopefully all in one piece.”
Bang just grunted in approval. That was the last they spoke on the three hour journey to the hostile militia camp. #FF0080 ">(I suggest that you revise the last line. I know what you're trying to say here, but it's quite confusing.)

Their mission was a simple massacre of the militia, that had almost accomplished killing the present king of Saudi Arabia. The king had immediately named the militia to the Finnish government, which was trying to find terrorist groups related to the New Soviet United World.
The Finish Wartime Intelligence Agency had determined that the ones behind the atomic bomb a year before had been the NSUW, and the newly formed Finish offense force had moved straight in to hit them where it hurt.
Unlike many had expected the NSUW hadn’t risen from the ashes of the USSR in Russia, but instead it had risen in a communist uprising in South- #FF0080 ">(you don't need a dash between South and America) America, and spread#FF0080 ">ed to some western parts of Africa and finally revived some of the communist movements in East Europe. While war waged between the US and the Socialist Communist Union of Mexico, and the recent war within the country between several of the illegal militia groups had almost totally incapacitated the US to move to anywhere else in the world.

After the bombing of Finland in 2048, Finland had immediately joined NATO and declared itself an enemy of the NSUW.

A new branch in the Finnish offensive army had been formed: the Lightning Platoon. Named after the SS in Nazi Germany.
The sole purpose of the LP was to destroy all third parties used by the NSUW, and to destroy them #FF0080 ">quickly.

Harri woke up #FF0080 ">(Woke up? What now he's sleeping? You need to explain and slow down the pace) when the truck stopped and the Saudi Arabian driver knocked on the latex screen that separated them.
“We’re here,” he said with a thick accent#FF0080 ">.

Hmph. I hate pink but I wanted something new. xD

Okay, so first things first. I can see that you're really struggling well when it comes to your 'show don't tell' thing and punctuations. The flow in you story is average. It's quite a little fast though, and it's hard for ther eders to catch up and really know what's in your story.Your verbs consistency is almost good but I could still see some quite errors there. I also read some awkward phrases and sentences in your story. You tend to make your sentences complicated where in fact they can just be easily written. Though I understand that you really want to improve but I say that with more practice you can widened up your vocabulary and enhance more of your writing skills.

Info-dumps:

This has been emphasized vastly by Jet and some other reviewers above me. I won't say much but how about re-reading your piece gain? Read and analyze the statements that you think isn't needed or that could bore a reader or something. I'm not saying info-dumps are bad, well they're kind of, but using it, is pretty good too. I notice info-dumps are growing during the middle part of your story. Remember, this is a chapter you're writing, not just a page of a novel. You need to put some climatic scenes here in which it would entertain and also intrigue your readers to read this with interest.


Show don't tell:

I think I've previously said this to you. As far as I could see, this is all plainly written. I didn't see anything here that gave me the whole attention and didn't fascinate me completely. Also, you tend to use words all over again, which bores me out of here. Though your dialogs are good but still, I feel like the scenes were just random cut-outs and glued them in one whole white paper. Again, description is what you lack here.



Structure:

This is what I've also noticed:

#0000FF ">Second Lieutenant Harri Petso was smoking his cigar. Cigar smoke filled the dark air in the vehicle. Like a cloud of smog it floated above them. His hair was charcoal black and his eyes a light brown. He was a heavily built man in his thirties.
Harri was the only man there who didn’t look visibly scared, and he would let his eyes gaze through the team he was leading.
Hard boiled each and every one of them, he though. These were the people he could trust with his life.
Harri saw himself as a masculine, macho man, and thought that that what a man should be like.
In Harri’s world men didn’t smoke cigarettes; men didn’t hit women; men didn’t cry and a man would never back out from a firm decision.
The last year had been harsh on him, but he had risen from the ranks and made it to the officer ranks, and he was proud as hell.

You see how you take care of your sentences within your paragraphs. this doesn't look like a paragraph to me, you see. So how about placing your sentences closer though when it comes to dialogs, it's okay.

I advise you write your paragraph like this:

#008040 ">Second Lieutenant Harri Petso was smoking his cigar. Cigar smoke filled the dark air in the vehicle. Like a cloud of smog it floated above them. His hair was charcoal black and his eyes a light brown. He was a heavily built man in his thirties. Harri was the only man there who didn’t look visibly scared, and he would let his eyes gaze through the team he was leading. Hard boiled each and every one of them, he though. These were the people he could trust with his life.Harri saw himself as a masculine, macho man, and thought that that what a man should be like.

In Harri’s world men didn’t smoke cigarettes; men didn’t hit women; men didn’t cry and a man would never back out from a firm decision. The last year had been harsh on him, but he had risen from the ranks and made it to the officer ranks, and he was proud as hell.

Enough said. You understand me?

Let's proceed now.

Okay, I think I said already the things that I'm supposed to say. I just want to say in conclusion that you revise some awkward sentences here and use better words and lessen repetitions. I can really see this has a potential, just so, taking your critiques' review into consideration will really help in improving this piece. Hope I helped.

keep writing!

peace out!

~yuri

Chapter 1, here we go.

Nitpicks

The vehicle rattled on the desert floor. The ground was hard and almost nothing grew.

I'm not in love with this opening: two very short sentences which, at first glance, have almost nothing to do with each other. I think you could do better than this, especially with the second.

but nervousness was bright on all of their faces, the fear of death, the feeling that the one dying today could be them.

The comma after "faces" might be better as a colon, but I'm not sure.

Cigar smoke filled the dark air in the vehicle.

What kind of "vehicle" is it? I think you can only afford to be so general once. Something as simple as "a car" would be more appropriate.

He was a heavily built man in his thirties.

You're verging on telling again. Don't just use simple sentences with simple verbs, as I think I said in my last review. There's fuller explanations of "show, don't tell" there from myself and Yuriiko, so I won't go into it again, but it definitely applies to this description.

Hard boiledcomma each and every one of them, he thought.

Thoughts are usually in italics. Just a formatting rule.

to the back with a loud thud.

I think you mean "on" the back.

he barked a laugh.

I think this should be a separate sentence, with a capital for "he". However, it doesn't quite make sense. Add an "out" after "barked".

, “I’m always a bit nervous before a bloodbathcomma you know.

Full stop to replace that comma before the speech marks open.

The men all smiled, but they were all too edgy to answer.

Repetition of "all". Cut the first one.

“Harricomma so how is this going to go down?”

Their mission was a simple massacre of the militia, that had almost accomplished killing the present king of Saudi Arabia

No comma here mid-sentence.

East Europe.

Generally it's referred to as "Eastern Europe", I think.

“We’re here,” he said with a thick accentfull stop.

General

Flow. Again, you rely predominantly on short sentences and don't vary the structure, preferring to use "[noun][verb][information]" almost continuously. It wasn't quite so jarring in a shorter piece, but here you seem to write so that almost every sentence is a new paragraph. Yes, you need breaks, but not that many. And yes, sometimes short sentences do work ("these are the men he could trust with his life" is an example), but used consecutively they become repetitive and stilt your flow so that your piece keeps stopping and starting. Try to mix it up.

Info dump. Unfortunately, I think you're right about the info dump. I had to read several times to pick up the whole story here. I would work that information into some dialogue between the men, even if it's only little bits at a time, so we don't have to rely on a huge overload randomly placed in the middle of the chapter without any apparent introduction. For example, when one of the soldiers comments on a bloodbath, another could reply, "They're Soviets. They don't know how to fight." Another could correct him: "Not Soviets. New Soviet United World is just a name, 'cause this is a different breed, and they just keep coming." See what I'm getting at?

This needs a few revisions before it has the impact of the prologue. You don't want your reader to feel let down after the action-packed opening. Work on building the tension through dialogue and creating a flow in your writing, so that it's a bit easier to read. However, I'm still enjoying how this is shaping up, so keep it up.

- Jet.

hi this wasn't too much of an info dump, but if you're worried about it maybe you could make some of the information into a news paper article thats lying on the seat next to the main character, which i think is Harri. i think you could give a little more description on what it was like inside of the truck, was it hot? dusty? stinky? you get the point.

Second Lieutenant Harri Petso was smoking his cigar. His hair was charcoal black and his eyes a light brown. He was a heavily built man in his thirties.

i didn't really like this bit. maybe you could say he was puffing his cigar smoke over the other people but no one would confront him about it because he was a heavily built man. the short sentences make it painful to read and although it allows us to visualize the man it isn't done with good style.
i liked this piece and i will look out for more
hope i've helped
-randomer